Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I run a support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.

   My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.

   Fun thing to do #48 1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

   You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

   I wish someone loved me as much as white women in commercials love yogurt

   When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.

   I think I'd takes Joan Rivers opinions on how people look more seriously if she didn't look like something that sits on a ventriloquist's lap.

   Justin Bieber arrested for DUI and street racing. He was under the influence of drugs and was incoherent. He resisted arrest without violence and didnt have a drivers license. There is no joke here, the headline is funny enough on its own merit.

   McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.

   At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get... You're already hard to want.

   I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

   I think Al Sharpton may just be the most underrated comedian of our time.

   I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!

   According to a recent study, 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. And according to the same study, 67% of pets say "Why won't this crazy woman shut the hell up?"

   Anal bleaching... Because some a**holes need to lighten up.

   And BTW Susan,,, When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last".... I feel like you don't know what misplace means.