Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner.

   Spring is almost here! Happy people walking, kids playing outside, dog sh!t everywhere.....Life is grand!

   Welcome to Facebook. Feel free to attack, judge and air your own and everyone Else's dirty laundry!! Don't forget to keep it Catty and Cryptic!!

   When I'm on the phone, I like to press the buttons and say "Would you please stop doing that!"

   A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."

   When did Facebook turn into an Emo message board?! Seriously, cheer up or I'm unfriending your ass!

   Reckons that in the right light,at the right angle,if you squint & stand on on leg,I might look like I give a damn

   Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?

   Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   If a girl texts you and asks if you think she is fat and you try to reply "Noooo", auto correct changes it to "Moooo" so that's pretty cool.

   One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.

   She wanted to eat at a Chinese restaurant. I didn't want to eat at a Chinese restaurant. So we compromised and ate at a Chinese restaurant.

   Ignore him and he will go away, simple solution

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.

   I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.

   I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........

   You mean you guys don't write for TV sitcoms either?

   Sometimes all you need in life is some really good sex.

   Everyone needs to understand that the whole world is being played.

   Can we start a rumor that all Ed Hardy & Tapout shirts are bullet proof?