Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If you blame others for your failures, do you credit them with your success? 
didnt Mark Zuckerberg learn anything from Tom Anderson? the changes to myspace is what killed it
I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help
Political candidates should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.
My April Fools' Day prank at airport security did not go well. You may not see me Monday.
Dear Shake Weight, Thanks for showing the ladies how it's done. Forever yours, Edward
A rumor goes in one ear and then out of many mouths.
You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?
I feel like I'm livin out the movie friday in this damn recession.... Got cereal, no milk.. Got ham, no bread... Got koolaid, no sugar FML
They say you're only as old as you feel, so I must be kinda-drunk-and-a-little-hungry years old.
May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.
driving out to the family farm for Thanksgiving. But first, a stop at the airport for a quickie.
BP has released a statement saying most Gulf residents are not upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy.That's like Al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.
I'm not quite ready to declare this the 2,847th best day of my life, but it's certainly trending that way.
These pills aren't addictive - I've been taking them for years.
You are so funny, but looks aren't everything!!
Sometimes all it takes is a simple change in attitude to turn your life around. =]
Lights off, Music on, Phone in silent mode, tired body and calm mind; Perfect recipe for good night sleep.
Just overheard someone say "I've got a gut feeling in my stomach." That kind of use of the English language makes me want to punch his face in the face.
I just committed the perfect crime. I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court. I pleaded insanity. 