Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."

   Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?

   Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as "The Peas".

   I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(

   when a girl posts a bunch of quotes about how strong women are, avoid that s hit like the herp!!!

   I cut my finger on a beer can last night. Now I know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

   If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage., you are a wh0re.. :)

   When you're driving, and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the same time, there's no choice other than to drive off a cliff.

   FBI released photos of the suspects in the Boston bombing today. I hope a good American that knows them will report where tthey can pick up their corpses.

   Before I could even offer a plea bargain, the judge pronounced us man and wife.

   Let's be honest, if the Westboro Baptist Church pickets your funeral then you've lived a good life.

   Watched my first porno today... I looked much younger back then.

   With all the Potato Chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...

   Today we celebrate freedom...while the government monitors us.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around wearing a deployed parachute

   Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.

   I am having debate withdrawal....So I'm heading to 7-11 now to spar with clerk about gas prices and Iranian sanctions.

   What's a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?

   How was I supposed know she was ugly? She had big titties.

   Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end. On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.