Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got a peek at Santa's naughty list! Amazingly, it's almost identical to my friends list. Can't believe some of the things you people have done!

   People say drinking milk makes you stronger. I drunk 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall. It didn't work. Then, I drank 5 glasses of vodka and the wall moved alone!!

   I wounder if other birds look at pigeons in the same way that we look at homeless crackheads

   If I ever shot the sheriff, I'd probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.

   come up with a new drink: Nyquil on the rocks. It's for when you feel sick but still want to be social.

   Q( - _-)_____¦__o___Q(-_ - ) *Asian ping pong match*

   With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.

   Whenever I go to WalMart I like to wear jeans with no stains, a freshly washed shirt and shoes that tie so I can listen to all the other shoppers say, "Hey, check out the rich guy."

   I just peed so hard I laughed a little.

   If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a drunk white woman having her picture taken in the club.

   This lady in Walmart is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

   If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.

   Many of you have asked what my ex-wife looks like. Just look up in the sky tonight... she's the one on the broom.

   If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else

   a man bumps into his ex wifes new husband and asks " hows the second hand fanny ? " the man replies " it great thanks , after the first 3 inches , its like brand new !!! "

   would you like that sea bass regular or unleaded?

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, and actually came back home.

   Dear Winter, I think we should spend some time apart... I'm gonna try to work things out with my ex, Summer...

   thinks the Amsterdam smoke shops should begin limiting marijuana consumption to the Nigerians that are about to board planes heading to Detroit.

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my Doctor calls them, symptoms...