Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh it, I'm pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.

   My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it. As he got out. I said, "Nice Car." "Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

   Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.

   why dont gas stations have black friday specials

   i went to this halloween party dressed as a leaf blower. another guy came dressed as a leaf. needless to say, it was awkward

   I prefer 11,000 Keystone XL pipeline workers over 87,000 new IRS agents.

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   Never judge a person by what other people have told you. The person maybe gentle with you but harsh with others. The same sun which melts ice also hardens clay.

   Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to " Unstable "

   surprised how we live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police...

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   Remember me? I used to be your best friend when you were single.

   They should make a medal for anyone uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.

   So, this whole Mayan 12/21 thing - does anyone know if that's Mayan Standard Time or Mayan Daylight Time? Asking for a friend.

   If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.

   For most people when you loose your "khakis" you've lost a pair of pants. When you're from Boston and loose your "khakis" you can't start your car

   I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

   I'm trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can't find any Twinkie seeds. :/

   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

   I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.