Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I honestly never believed that whole story about Lance Armstrong walking on the moon.

   The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.

   I'm surprised nobody ever complained that the grape dude in the Fruit of the Loom commercials is black

   There’s this one dumb ass that found me on Facebook and won’t give up. Repeated friend requests, inbox messages.. It’s driving me nuts. I know at some point I’ll have to give in, but just because we’re married it doesn't mean I have to like him,

   Police in Sweden found drugs on Justin Bieber's bus. I'm sure it wasn't for him. It was for the rest of his crew who have to tolerate him.

   Dear NBC Sports, the black jockey is from the Virgin Islands. Stop calling him an African American...

   Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

   Girl goes back to her dorm and says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian???

   Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.

   so, what are you going to be for halloween? well, I was thinking about being, well, intoxicated

   "Yeah, I'm on faithbook." -Mike Tyson

   wonders why is it that when a man talks nasty to a woman it's harassment, but when a woman talks nasty to a man it's £3.99 a minute

   Worst sex I ever had? With a girl that punched me in the face every time she climaxed.Wasn't that that bad until I realized she was faking.

   Hey Joe, must be nice to eat ice cream as fast as you want and not have to worry about brain freeze.

   The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is??

   My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

   Mexican word of the day "wheelchair": Juan and I only have one taco, but is ok, wheelchair.

   I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday.

   Why do people add me on Facebook and never say anything? ... Just hanging around watching like a rapist in a van

   Farts are the screams of trapped poo.