Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if those crazy dancing, sign holding guys you see on the corner are given an itunes and an alcohol allowance?

   Airlines have become so cash-strapped, they're also going to charge for emotional baggage.

   I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".

   Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.

   Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.

   If you're 40 and still wearing your high school grad ring......um...no.

   I'm just a boy. In love with a girl. Standing here quietly. Behind your shower curtain. Watching.

   I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   Honey Boo Boo? Sounds like sumthin Winnie the Pooh would do when he's had too much honey

   You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your coworkers.

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   it's not fair that haunted houses pay someone to dress up & chase customers with a chainsaw but grocery stores won't let me do it for free.

   remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...

   thinks Saturdays are like pre-school. You spend all day doing nothing productive and, as a reward, you get to take a nap.

   If I need directions, I'm not asking a man with one tooth. I'm asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there..

   I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?" No, but now my mailman does.

   ..if life is just one big game.. I need unlimited health & money cheat codes...

   If you want to see a basket full of uncomfortable people, break up with your girlfriend on a hot air balloon ride

   On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”