Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes words are not enough. That's why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   I hear Katy Perry hired Taylor Swift to write her a break-up song. Adele is producing...

   Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.

   March 24. Springtime. Cold, windy, and snow... But this groundhog stew is DELICIOUS!

   TGIF? TG4DVR! I just watched 90 minutes of Idol in 17 minutes and 30 seconds.

   I think it's adorable when people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   dint realize Arnold was so lazy...Gawd the guy didnt even leave his house, to cheat on his wife..!

   that awkward moment when she catches you trying to take a pic of her, and you have to pretend to be texting someone...

   Sangria is like naughty Kool Aid.

   How awesome would it be to buy a universal remote and stand outside your neighbors window and change the channel when they are watching soaps??

   Why does anyone ever bother to say "don't look"? Because we all know what happens next...

   I won't believe the Groundhog saw his shadow until he updates his Facebook status.

   haw-yee! Said the dyslexic cowboy.

   Cinderella is proof that a fancy pair of shoes can change your life!!

   That time of year again where in a few days we will be able to buy Hearts filled with chocolates for 75% off.

   Sometimes I wish that automatic doors would appreciate my existance...

   Time to get out of bed. The world is not going to dominate itself.

   Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.

   well the heats off you for now Lindsey Lohan...tell Charlie Sheen thanks.