Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a kid, I thought convention delegates were just sign-waving idiots in silly hats & pins, but as an adult, I see I was a perceptive kid.

   Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

   Ironically, the kind of people who queue all night to buy an iPhone 5 have very few friends to call when they get it.

   I love when my boss catches me actually doing work.

   I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.

   Remember before the internet when people ate food and didn't need to tell everyone about it?

   Relationship Advice: The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand.

   Getting older means telling the grocery store checker the full story behind every item you buy.

   Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".

   just heard a woodpecker call me a "paranoid weirdo" in morse code.

   After you kill somebody with kindness, is there a way to "discreetly dispose of the body with kindness"?

   The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.

   Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.

   Nobody cares if you’re going to bed or woke up on Facebook, unless it’s with them.

   It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

   Open an ice cream shop and name your flavors things like: "don't be sad","he's not worth it","you deserve better".

   for my next magic trick i'll need a condom and a volunteer,.

   So the North Korean soccer team won their opening game at the Olympics yesterday! I'm guessing they will be allowed to live, at least until they lose!

   Don't judge a book by it's cover... Unless that book is Twilight, then you can judge the book and it's reader.

   Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.