Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

   The south side of Chicago needs a wildfire...

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.

   Well Easter is almost over, just saw Walmart employees putting up Christmas Decorations......

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. --Lassie, if she were a cat.

   It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   Wishing my dog had a snooze button!!

   My twelve year old was riding with me listening to a classic rock station and he says "I can't believe they have a Rock Band staion!"

   A journey of ten feet begins with a single “Where the #%!= is the remote?”

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville.

   Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person.

   Navy Seals.......Terminix for a larger cockroach........

   Regardless of whether or not I should know better, I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

   If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, Facebook would be much more peaceful.

   It's so annoying when someone is talking and I'm trying to interrupt

   Everytime I drink I break my "No" button. Yes, I want another drink. Yes, you can take me home. Yes, I'm sure I can drive. Yes, I will dance on the bar."

   You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day, looking forward to new challenges? Me neither.

   Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.