Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually…damn that’s a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst.

   What's the difference between pick and choose? Pick is when you make a decision about something & Choose is what Puerto Rican women wear on their feet!

   A lot can happen in 2mins during football.. Like 47 useless commericals..For instance..

   I saw my ex go kiss her new boyfriend I shouted, "Hey! That's been on my pen!s!"

   There isn't enough make-up in the world to cover-up crazy!!!

   ...little boy writes to Santa: please send me a sister. Santa writes to little boy: ok, send me your mother.

   Possible slogan for inferior Tampon Co. "We're not number one, but we're still up there!".

   I've been burnt by love before. Not in heart broken sort of way but in a the candle wax was a bit to hot way.

   I always knows the right thing to say, immediately after the right time to say it has passed.

   I love having the power to make you read my status updates for no reason. Who's my b*tch? That's right you are!

   "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...

   pretty damn sure that Starbucks clearly has no idea we're in a recession.

   Thinks we should get as much Dawn dish liquid as possible and pour into the ocean... Dawn cuts thru oil like nuthin and it's safe for the animals... And then we can hav one hell of a bubble party! It's a win win situation... 

   I think that God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

   I want to tell you about my dream last night. I don't understand it. It was Greek to me....Έχετε λάβει η στιγμή να μεταφράσει αυτό το όνειρο; έχετε ανάγκη από βοήθεια.

   Friends are like Christmas lights. Some are broke, others just don't work for you....and there are others that make your day shine bright.

   Girls improve their looks not their mind, because they know guys are stupid, not blind.

   History tells a story. That's why you must always clear it before your girlfriend uses the computer.

   Don't forget, every hand you shake has recently wiped an ass.

   would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.