Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was young I used to poke holes in my parent's condoms so that there could be someone else to do the dishes.

   Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?

   I love it when I read a post and I think ive read the page but its just some idiot reposting a post from a few pages back.

   Facebook seems like the best place to come out of the closet. If it doesn't go over well you can just say you were hacked.

   Sometimes, when two people love each other very much, they get married and ruin everything.

   the local weather: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bullshit blowing in from all directions!

   I hate finding out I'm arguing with someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

   Huh, turns out that staying up until 4 am and surfing adult sites is not considered insomnia. Thank God!!! I really thought I had a problem…..

   I had a girlfriend that said she was leaving me because I was so arrogant! I told her to close the door on her way back in!!!

   I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them because I know how hard life is for the visually impaired.

   The smallest woman can break the biggest man in the world with three little words: Is it in?

   wants to open a combination Spanish and Italian restaurant and call it "Que Pasta"

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

   There's something oddly satisfying about turning off my computer by holding down the power key. Who's in control now, b!tch?

   Merry Christmas! oh, its not evern thanksgiving yet? well, how about we forward that memo to the stores, cause its beginning to look alot like christmas..EVERYWHERE I GO!

   currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”

   As much as your kids are at my house, you should pay me child support.

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   hates it when the girlfriend asks him to hold her handbag and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.