Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistically speaking, once I introduce you to my family there's a 100% chance we won't work out as a couple

   I'm old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   My safe word is "Make sure we don't go over the hour. That's all the cash I got on me."

   My ideal job would be "guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks"

   iOS 9 will be out by the time iOS 8 finishes downloading

   I am sorry I had feelings. I'll replace them with jokes right away.

   KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BOOED AT PARIS FASHION WEEK - my week keeps getting better.

   I'll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   Ten minutes left in the workday. This is where I use the restroom, and wash my hands for a long time.

   Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a ''funny uncle'' in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   "Could you guys just have your election now?" - The entire world to America

   As your next President, I promise to remove all things Kardashian....

   I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.

   .... If dueling to the death made a comeback today .... I bet people would start being a heck of a lot less offended!