Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone has that friend in the group that everyone hates but just keeps them around for the sole reason of hating him. If you think that's not the case in your group, then you're that friend.

   Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don't feel like doing.

   I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   Reading an article that said, "spice up your love life”. One of the suggestions was to make love in a car wash. It's also the perfect way to ruin a church fund raiser.

   people with narrow minds , are normaly the ones with the biggest mouths.

   That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone's status.

   After suffering my 5000th stubbed toe, I believe now is the time to invent "Nerf" end tables!

   " I think Randy Moss will stay retired" -Brett Favre

   I hate gently tossing my phone on the bed and it ricocheting off three walls, hitting a lamp, and a cat.

   Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids

   Ever have one of those days at work no matter who talks to you they sound the teacher from The Peanuts cartoons?

   There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves

   Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't use "eenie-meenie-miney-moe to help make important life decisions

   Put on your Sunday's best kids. We're going to Sears....

   TV's highest paid actor was a crackhead... why the fu*#k am I in school?

   Life has been so good to me that I just thought I would celebrate within myself and get ridiculously drunk tonight...

   Wouldn't it be great if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people?

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.