Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lighters should have an attached sticker that reads: Caution: Will go missing in a week.

   Count Chocula, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and the Teddy Grahams Bear perish in house fire. S'more at eleven.

   I'd love to make money at home in my spare time. But counterfeiting is harder than you'd think.

   Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.

   In New York you can't drink more than a 16 oz. soda, but it is okay to stuff yourself with 68 hotdogs and buns in 10 minuts.

   I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   Teenage: have time & energy but no money Working age: have money & energy but no time Old age: have time & money but no energy! ~

   The older the Facebook post, the creepier your "like" becomes.

   If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials...

   If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately

   "If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand.

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   People!! I have been watching the news the last few days. Now, I never took journalism class, but I'm petty sure "Don't Interview Traumatized Children" came right before "Learn To Spell".

   If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires s*ck co*k? Oh wait, Twilight.

   I've single handedly defeated my erection...

   Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   Charlie Sheen appears to be the real life Glen Quagmire. Giggity!

   There is Breast Cancer, be Aware of it.......There! Doesn't that promote Breast Cancer Awareness a lot better than writing the name of a Fruit or the Colour of your Bra as your Facebook status?!?