Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

   Just rescued a beer that was trapped in the fridge!

   once cops get smart enough to put a breathalyzer test at the end of a Taco Bell drive-thru WE'RE ALL SCREWED!

   I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?

   Because of texting, todays generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!

   That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"

   Note to self, don't introduce yourself to the new neighbors until they have all the heavy stuff moved in.

   Why does the weather man try and educate me on mother nature? Bro, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow... hoodie or jacket...

   Anyone have a truck I can borrow? I need to drag some ATMs about a mile or so

   Hello drama... I didn't see you come in.... this party is by invitation only and I don't see your name on the guest list.... I'm gonna have to ask you to please exit quietly

   Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm denying your existence.

   After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

   I hate these frozen TV dinners that gotta make things so complicated. Lets see... microwave on medium for 4 minutes then stir potatoes.... Stir potatoes???? Do I look like Wolfgang Puck?

   Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon

   Songs with sirens in them should not be allowed on the car radio as they trick me when i'm driving.

   Happy "Romantically Challenged" Day.

   My FB account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

   The words there, their, and they're do NOT mean the same thing.

   Every time you lie to your kid and tell them that some dumb thing they did is "great"... you're potentially creating the next Ke$ha.