Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Key to a long relationship: keep the fights clean and the sex dirty

   When a spambot tells you to click a link to take an IQ test, that IS the IQ test.

   Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

   Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

   Medical Fact: If a women drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

   I have no problem texting and driving. Now texting while walking downstairs, that stuff is dangerous!

   Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

   Just rescued a beer that was trapped in the fridge!

   once cops get smart enough to put a breathalyzer test at the end of a Taco Bell drive-thru WE'RE ALL SCREWED!

   I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?

   Because of texting, todays generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!

   That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"

   Note to self, don't introduce yourself to the new neighbors until they have all the heavy stuff moved in.

   Why does the weather man try and educate me on mother nature? Bro, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow... hoodie or jacket...

   Anyone have a truck I can borrow? I need to drag some ATMs about a mile or so

   Hello drama... I didn't see you come in.... this party is by invitation only and I don't see your name on the guest list.... I'm gonna have to ask you to please exit quietly

   Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm denying your existence.

   After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

   I hate these frozen TV dinners that gotta make things so complicated. Lets see... microwave on medium for 4 minutes then stir potatoes.... Stir potatoes???? Do I look like Wolfgang Puck?