Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would it be good news or bad news if your Girlfriend told you that she was already married???

   People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   I went snorkeling so I could brag to my friends, but I'm having problems photoshopping the bathtub out of the pictures.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.

   Febreeze should make underwear.

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I understand women. Great, now I'm crying.

   It's amazing how fast you can get drunk when you hate everyone around you.

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.

   95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.

   I'm not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but I will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards

   My wife's safe word: "Not tonight"

   If you live by the sword, I guess that's pretty cool. I live by some trees and other houses

   If I'm at Death's door, I'm going to pretend to be a Jehovah's Witness so that he'll never answer it.

   Friend asks me "Why do you carry a gun?" I reply "because a cop is too damn heavy to carry"

   I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!

   "Common sense" is dead an buried. What we have today is "rare sense".

   Job application is a trick by some id! ots that they don't even bother to read your resume.

   My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

   If you're poor you're a "Hoarder." If you're rich you're a "Collector."

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ