Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   has a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot

   Its annoying when I get a notification then see its about a post that I commented on like a week ago. Its lost its luster by then. There should be a statute of limitations on such things.

   If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...

   Forget scholarships and honor societies - the highest academic complement is getting an awesome grade on a paper you half-assed at four in the morning the day it was due.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

   never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version.?

   They named a hurricane after a guy, and where did it go? Straight for the virgin islands!

   I laid awake all night again worrying about why I'm always so tired

   It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep

   At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted?

   This girl I know is thinking about havin beer pong at her reception... that's walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   Early map makers were mostly men, which explains why Florida was usually drawn about 3 inches longer than its actual size.

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here

   Don't worry about people from your past, There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

   - I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.....Then I thought, screw it....

   facing facts; his only hope is the lottery.

   Since it's so hard to find new blades, I had to look at getting a new razor. But after looking at the names I'm a little confused: the Mach 4, the Hydro, the Fusion, the Nitro... Am I buying a shaver or a f*cking jetpack?