Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life

   My career plans were much more exciting when I was five.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.

   Hold your tounge and say " I won a math debate"

   roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   There'd be less accidents if there was a texting lane.

   Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow

   My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

   We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don't work in vending machines?

   Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...

   Tomorrow you'll be able to stop hating people for their political views and go back to hating them for their personality!

   I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.

   My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited.

   Here's my gym schedule. Monday, cardio. Tuesday, weights. Wednesday, 7 mile bike ride. Thursday, 15 year break. Repeat.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...

   "I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 22, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your dramatic a$$ somewhere else.

   Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?