Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run. 
When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.
At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.
I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.
it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?
Dear lady at the McDonald's Drive-through... Why are you taking so long to order? It is McDonald's, the menu hasn't changed in 30 years... and judging by the way your poor little Honda is leaning to one side - I bet you have been here NUMEROUS times.
Walking past a new employee's desk & yelling, "Do you think it's a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
Dear MTV, I was wondering if I could get my "M" back..... you know, since you're not using it. Sincerely, _usic
was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! !
Dear gas station owners, instead of selling condoms and novelty items in your restrooms, how about you sell toilet paper that doesn't make your butthole bleed? Just a thought.
A guy from kentucky won a 60 million dollar jackpot recently. He said he's going to split all the money with his wife and sister. Wow, that's one lucky woman.
How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.
Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?
If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I'm gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.
So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, I knew it was time to go.
Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive. 