Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!

   Sharing vigil photos on FB does not solve anything, better values, spending time with your kids and raising them right does.

   Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

   Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

   Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?

   Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.

   I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

   Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

   If you rearrange the letters in North West, it spells Bad Parents.

   Oh for god sake, just fall in love with me already so I can stop acting normal.

   Trust me, as you get to know me, I just get weirder.

   Men who don't understand why their woman is mad at them need to realize the woman doesn't know why either.

   Whenever I read: "do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "they don't mean ME."

   Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.

   Katy Perry: Blue hair. Nicki Minaj: Pink hair. Rihanna: Red hair. Lady Gaga: Green hair. OMG, the POWER RANGERS are back

   I've never been held hostage but I've been on a group text.

   Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn't work. Don't believe the Rumors.

   What rhymes with Cupid?

   “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.