Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People get FAKE, when ish gets REAL.

   Sorry I just woke up from a coma,,, and OH MAYA GOD,,, They got the date wrong

   If you're in a committed relationship and you have no intentions of marrying that person, then you're wasting both of our time.

   If you ever want to know what it sounds like three feet up a cow's azz just listen to lovers talk.

   You bought an iPhone5C? Why no iPhone5A?

   1 boom n the whole nation becomes god fearing, elected official praises... Big gots

   Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.

   every morning I tell myself this is all a dream, amanda bynes is normal and destiny's child is still together

   Now that's he's fired, in about six months I can say to that Men's Wearhouse guy: "You're NOT going to like the way you look. I guarantee it."

   I know it Halloween and stuff, but A white bronco just pulled up and threw out 2 bodies and then sped off really fast.....(Ö_Ö) on the lawn

   I take my dog clubbing with me cause he's good at chasing tail...

   Know what I going to Buy to My MAYAN friend for Christmas.

   For those of you who think you're all failures, just think. Ash Ketchum from pokemon is 25 and only has a fifth grade education while only ever owning 68 out of 649. Just hang in there

   Remember the good old days where we use to read the newspaper while taking a crap? LMAO

   Fire up the bong...Michael Phelps won GOLD!! 19 Medals, 15 of'em GOLD!!

   My failed brakes bring all the mechanics to the yard. And they like...(finish it off guys and make it funny)

   has anyone noticed how the sun makes ones hair colour lighter but skin colour darker?!?

   Will you write on your girlfriend's Facebook wall telling her how much you love each her?" ~Said Nobody, ever.

   Who else proofread something after they posted? Oh so I'm the only one......

   At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling