Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh how winky faces make anything sound dirty (;

   When someone changes their relationship status to "It's complicated." it always means that they don't know which hand to use...

   If I offend you in any way, please let me know so I can do it again.

   Really hate how some of my friends try to fish for compliments with their posts that say "post one word that reminds you of me" I always post back, I can't think of one word, but there are two that really stand out to me.

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.

   new years eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early

   I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.

   The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers

   Dear Facebook, we asked for a 'dislike' button, not a confusing profile layout, or a smaller font size! Sincerely, Facebook User

   You think the glass is half empty. I just appreciate that I have some beer left in it.

   Talk is Cheap because the supply has always exceeded the demand.

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   friend request you on facebook?? woah, slow down we just met. tell me about yourself...oh, you're in the mafia AND you're a farmer? check please.

   You know what's horrible? Accidentally seen your parents "doing it". I will NEVER go to THAT website again!

   You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.

   Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18...