Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't decide if I'm in the right place at the wrong time or the wrong place at the right time.

   Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

   Remember, what doesn't kill you, makes a great story.

   Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

   Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.

   Interesting that a lot of religions are anti-pork because bacon is the thing that makes me believe in God.

   Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.

   Oh, you're having a bad day? In 1976, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it's worth $58,065,210,000.

   I'm not ready to adopt a highway, but a dead end street feels familiar and manageable.

   Was gonna deactivate my facebook..but I thought I'd be so proud of myself I'd wanna put it as my status..so I thought it was no point! :)

   I can't believe I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

   A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

   The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good network connection.

   All I want is for someone to pretend to love me for who I am, then gradually change me over a period of several years until we both hate me.

   I think Tom Cruise and John Travolta would make a lovely couple.

   Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.

   I hate when her husband comes home early. She says I'm the pool boy. And I spend the next few hours cleaning the pool. This is BULLSH!T!

   Sometimes girls look at me and say, “Mmm not bad.” They don't say it out loud but I can tell they're thinking that.

   Couldn't it have been a little cooler for National No Bra Day??

   My ball sagometer is at 6” today…