Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper

   YouTube is the only way you can see MTV playing music.

   I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.

   Welcome to America:You can be the valedictorian of your class, go to college, get a Doctorate's Degree, get a really good job, and you're still not going to make as much each year as Snooki.

   wonders why the trojan condom was named after something that broke through a wall & let thousands of unwanted ppl in?...terrible product naming

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   it be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back

   I missed it. How did Sarah Jessica Parker do in yesterday's Kentucky Derby?

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

   I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.

   So the Chantix commercial says to call your doctor immediately if you experience a siezure...Is it just me or would it be pretty difficult to pick up the phone and dial while shaking violently?

   Debt doesn't buy happiness either.

   a show called the view shouldn't hurt your eyes

   I'm at my most badass when I'm popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.

   The Walking Dead could have saved a ton of money if they would have filmed in Detroit due to the fact It looks like a herd of walkers already walked through it.

   You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".