Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

   called your boyfriend gay and he hit me back with his purse

   I'm beginning to realize that some people must actually enjoy being miserable.

   The people who deserve nothing, are handed everything.

   DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for things I may say or do in other people's dreams.

   To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

   you know you've had too much to drink when you try to fax someone a fruit rollup.

   If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.

   If somebody's presence does not add value to your life... then their absence should make no difference!

   Thank you music, for being there when no one else was.

   Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut... The f*cking idiot just shaved my pubes off.

   Do you ever walk toward automatic sliding opening doors, hold your hand up, and as they open think, maybe, just maybe, the force is with you today??

   I wish memories were like text messages so we could delete the ones we dont like & keep the special ones forever.

   I'm just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   Facebook Commandment II: Thou shalt not be caught taking a photo of thyself in the bathroom mirror and posting on FB or thou shall be slapped!

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

   thinks sometimes it's fun to ask someone how they are but then before they can respond say, "Anyway" and change the subject.

   when I go bowling I like to let my fingers do the walking and my balls do the talking.

   I've noticed that my usage of profanity increases when I play pacman