Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   200 Happy Birthday Messages on my wall and all I got was a Farmville tractor.

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

   Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!

   Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake

   Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look fat.

   why must I be made to feel like a porn star everytime I open yogurt....

   The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

   They're called "Skinny Jeans". Not "Make You Skinny Jeans..

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!