Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.

   Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

   Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!

   I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth, then I ask myself the same question...

   I'm doing a water balloon drive by at bestbuy tonight at 23:00 hours...... Whose with me?!?!

   wondering what people used to do or how they lived their lives without the internet....so I asked Google

   Justin Bieber is approximately the same diameter as the oil pipe in the Gulf......is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

   noticed that ever since Susan Boyle confessed her virginity to the world, the Taliban and Al Qaeda have cut back on suicide bombing, knowing now what lies ahead for them.