Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Percentage of my texts that include the phrase "LOL" - 75% . Percentage of times I'm actually laughing out loud- 0.001%

   The awesome moment when your staple puller becomes a back scratcher and your leg starts shaking like a rabid dog~

   Getting up with a massive headache and in an Unknown apartment.. well I suppose I had a good start to new years.. Wish you all the same.. Happy New Year !!

   I think we should follow new people.

   that feeling of brotherhood when someone post the same status as you ,but know one like it cuz you posted it first

   As hard as DJ khaled trys I can never take him serious

   *date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.

   My goal for Easter weekend is to move just enough each day to make sure no one thinks I'm dead.

   so I heard last night that women are misdiagnosed more often than men. what they didn't mention was that men are usually misterdiagnoised more often than women

   Great green moon tonight for 420

   Seeing purple rain from his Little Red Corvette

   I was wondering where I can contract this influenza virus so I can get away with stupid sheit.

   Lifetime os filming a new series about the ongoing struggle women have with freezing cold feet. It's a Sockumentary.

   My nipples are so sensitive, they co-wrote "Piece by Piece" by Kelly Clarkson.

   My buddy sent me half a bottle of his Viagra Pills... not for me, but for my car.... every time I fill my car up with gas, I put one in and it makes my gas gauge stay up longer.

   A romantic getaway but, just me and your best friend.

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   Shout out to all my peeps and be glad I am not drinking or I would be drunk calling you right now @2:13AM. . .. . .

   I wonder if bank robbers have a safe word?

   Feeling and thinking are directly proportional to each other and inseparable.