Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.

   Word of the day: Exhaustipated. Just too tired to give a sh!!t.

   just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mcnuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing.

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake

   Everyone thinks that girls dream about finding the perfect guy, pssht we dream about eating whatever we want and not getting fat!

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom

   Telling your kids you remember when gas was $.99 is like your Grandparents telling you they remember walking to school in the snow barefooted... Both were a long long time ago & will never happen again...

   I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories

   200 Happy Birthday Messages on my wall and all I got was a Farmville tractor.

   In honor of Presidents Day, I'm making HUGE promises to everyone that I have no intention of keeping...

   Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now

   You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"

   At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?

   cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades