Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid, I used to think that the moon followed my car

   The Mayans are now on the clock

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   I've never seen that tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.

   The ultimate feeling of opening a jar that everyone else struggled with......Ohhh Yeeaaaa!!

   I just read that birth control pills can prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

   Username or Password Incorrect” You couldn't just tell me which one?

   going to be wearing an armor plated vest just in case Cupid gets any ideas.

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!

   Girls cheat if there's something wrong with the relationship; guys cheat if there's an opportunity to get away with it.

   I find it curious that Kermit sings about how hard it is being green but nothing about screwing a pig.

   People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

   Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.

   Starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial.

   Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.