Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone knows that Santa lives at the North Pole, but does anyone know where the Easter Bunny lives?

   I just burnt 330 calories in about 30 minutes. And thats the last time I look at facebook with a pizza in the oven!

   I just wanna take a vacation and get nastier than a black jelly bean

   "Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot

   If your getting together with your 10 piece band to make a "Social Distancing Video" I think you've missed the point of social distancing.

   Inspirational Quote: Be the change you want to see in your car's ashtray.

   ... So ... I cheated on my diet for ONE day and gained fifty pounds .... WTF?

   I’m going to change my name to Benny Fitz…so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.

   When asked my weight, I give what it is on the Moon.

   You kept telling me you knew ancient Chinese secrets and it turned out to be laundry detergent.

   Seeing your ex is huge is like passing your final exam : You leave in a hurry and you're ecstatic it's over.

   I'm gonna party this weekend like its THE PURGE

   If your name is Hollywood there is a 100% guarantee your star power is 0.

   Based on recent history of opening a Capri Sun, I don't feel like I'd be able to stab a zombie during the apocalypse.

   I don't understand Pokemon Go AT ALL which I guess officially makes me middle-age.

   Sir, That is not a Pokemon in the car behind you with those flashing lights ... It's a cop so pull over.

   "Sorry, that last text was intended for my wife" is one text I never want to have to send... again.

   If it were garbage pail kids I would totally be on board.

   Im in the restroom using the urinals and someone walked next to me to catch a Pokemon!

   "Hit em with the Hein!!"