Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.

   I have been hit hard with the "Your kids will turn out just like you" curse!

   If you're dyslexic then this numbers game is not for you!

   If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

   in case of a fire do not use the elevator use water

   There is always one person at the card table who has to be told it is their turn.

   If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

   beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.

   "AGAIN?!" - Me, every morning.

   I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.

   Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.

   I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm

   Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.

   I wish my vacuum went "OM NOM NOM NOM" whenever it sucked anything up.

   I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

   If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you!

   got 99 problems, and money is all of them