Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 531 of 6385
Dear Mr. Chip bag thank you for telling me that 23 peices equal one serving. However, I need clarification on the exact size of your standard chip. Perhaps a life size picture on the bag would help.
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05-04-2011 15:52 by BEGO
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You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.
After the Rapture, can I have your car?
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05-17-2011 17:24 by K-Mac
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you know your getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping
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02-06-2011 09:31
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Party in my snowfort at 7pm. BYOB, no coolers needed.
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02-09-2011 11:09
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Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
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02-09-2011 21:12
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The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.
you ever have a conversation with someone and think...If only your family tree had a few more branches, this conversation wouldn't be so painful...
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03-01-2011 12:00 by M.A.C.
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I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!
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08-25-2011 13:20
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There are two types of people I hate in this world: Nosey people AND people who won't tell me what the hell is going on in their lives.
That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.
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04-11-2011 08:19
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It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.
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09-29-2011 16:56
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When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
I'm like your virginity, Once i'm gone, you ain't getting me back.
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10-07-2011 08:48
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Ahhhh My Facebook wall filled with pics of new lap tops, cellphones, cameras and countless trips to the tattoo parlor. There is either a sale at Walmart or its Tax time in America!
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02-10-2012 14:56 by Reznor
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<~~When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home..I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row just to mess with people as they walk in ;)
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02-24-2012 00:58 by Mark A.
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The more you know, the less you need to say.
Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.
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06-10-2012 18:48 by flinnie
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When someone offers me constructive criticism, it's clear they've mistaken me for someone else.
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06-11-2012 20:25
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Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.