Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."

   I have no problem with you speaking your mind,,, as long as you can do it with your mouth closed.

   I'm the most responsible person I know. Whenever anything goes wrong, I'm responsible.

   When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER."

   October 13th is No Bra Day!?!?!? it's everyday for me when I get home from work!

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.

   Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.

   I rate that sharks circle before attacking because humans taste better without sh*t in them.

   Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume...

   Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your a$$hole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

   Day 1. I am thankful that I haven't fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.

   When I go pick up my friends I tell them that 'im here' when I'm 5 minutes away so I'm only waiting 2 minutes in the driveway

   Some of you make me wonder when the psych ward got Internet access.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay my bill. He gave me another six months.

   Sitting here watching "Undercover Boss" thinking.. Guy shows up at your job with a camera crew, screws everything up, gets you to reveal secrets about your personal life.. If you can't figure out what's going on, there's no hope left for you..

   Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.

   The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?