Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God for yoga pants because I used up all of my imgination back in the 90's descrambling cable tv porn.

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   If FanDuel would just run a few more commercials, I'd consider joining.

   Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down....

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

   Sorry kids, no wifi this month, our loser neighbor didn't pay his bill.

   Somebody tell mayweather he is supposed to hug his wife and punch the guy in the ring, not the other way around

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   CNN Breaking news: Grand Canyon is closed, please don't look if you are driving or flying through.....

   Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   My insomnia has narcolepsy...

   learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.