Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger.

   I've never liked FIFA either. They take way too much out of my paycheck.

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.

   When considering joining a site offering secret infidelity but requires you register with a name/photo, a good alternative is to not do that

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy the 45 minutes of Kenny Rogers greatest hits, and we'll be right with you.

   Thank God for yoga pants because I used up all of my imgination back in the 90's descrambling cable tv porn.

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   If FanDuel would just run a few more commercials, I'd consider joining.

   Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down....

   I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   CNN Breaking news: Grand Canyon is closed, please don't look if you are driving or flying through.....

   Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

   Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time

   I miss the life I planned in my head.