Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   Thinks that you people are just lucky that I am so terrified of Prison!!

   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

   when someone asks you what time it is..glance at your watch and say "it's either 6:15 or mickey has a hard-on." guaranteed they'll ask someone else.

   Just out of curiousity....Does anyone know how to get blood out of clothes??? Better yet, carpet??? Thanks!!!

   What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.

   The Nigerian goalkeeper is refunding money for anybody that was disappointed with their performance at the World Cup. He said, a representative will contact you via email. Please give them your bank account #s and pin information...

   ...it's not you, it's me. I don't like you

   My grandmother just asked me why I don't have any photos on Facebook. Well, at least I know my privacy settings are working properly.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   Never hold your farts in. They go up your Spine then into your mind and that's where you're shi*ty idea's come from!"

   Whoa there, magazine, I already bought you. No need to pop out a million little post card babies asking me to subscribe.

   My friend said he couldn't tell if it was a compliment or an insult that a hot chick only wants to hook up with him, but not date seriously. On one hand, she is just using you for sex. On the other hand, shut the hell up.

   when light turns green, it means GO not text

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."

   I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.

   Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.

   How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.