Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.

   Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.

   Attention All Mom: if you have a son from the ages of (6 to 12).. Just randomly ask him..."If 30 ninjas broke in here right now what would you do??" Trust me it will make his day...

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.

   I want that "Damn you are still together?" Relationship!

   Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

   ''Hey, How was your Blind date?'' ''Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce!''......''What's so terrible about that?''.....''He was the original owner!!!''

   Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.

   Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.

   According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.

   If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.

   How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!

   I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.