Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that song by Bruno Mars called "Just the Way You Are"? Did you know if you changed that lyric to "Just Get In My Car" it changes from a love song to a really scary stalker song??

   knows why boy scouts don't sell cookies. Because nobody would eat a cookie with 'BS' on it.

   disappointed in his new phone. It promised more bars in more places but all I see are the same old bars and the same old drunks.

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   I don't think I'm ever going to win the lottery.. I can't even pick the pen that works from a choice of two at the lottery stand.

   all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

   I had a fight with the wife and didn't see her for three days... Then the swelling went down and I could see her out of one eye

   If it werent for the gutter my mind would be homeless!!!

   A craving for some cookies 'n MILF

   Paris Hilton is working on a new CD. I believe this one is called, "And You Thought the First One Sucked".

   There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

   loves how my gf calls me on her breaks. Which involves hearing courtesy flushes. Learn to break somewhere else.Thanks.

   Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back...

   May the 4th be with you!

   Do you think there's any limit to how many blades they'll put on razors? Like in 2025 there will be the Schick Annihilator 100.

   having an out of money experience

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."