Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.

   DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years

   The idiot that wrote about the "Porshes and Mexicans" knows how to spell Porsche.

   The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone

   I'm on hold now for 38 minutes... But that's ok.... I'm very important to them...and the best part is they don't get tired of admitting it over and over and over again.

   I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

   I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I'm going back to bed for six weeks.

   ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~ *checks time* OMG! CRAP

   Alright look...I'll be honest, those pants make your ass look like your inner child grew up, and decided to invite some friends over...

   don't call me on the phone then after I answer tell me to "hold on a minute". If you do, I will hang up instantly. You called me! If you weren't ready to talk, then you shouldn't have dialed.

   You know that song by Bruno Mars called "Just the Way You Are"? Did you know if you changed that lyric to "Just Get In My Car" it changes from a love song to a really scary stalker song??

   The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them.

   Snooki is going to be hosting WWE raw on monday. Finally, a good match for Hornswoggle

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.