Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the best feelings is cutting a person off and then having them do something to reassure you that you made the right decison.

   I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so friggin' heroic.

   It's really hard raising a child by yourself, I don't know how my T.V. does it.

   Ok who was the moron that came up with idea of the kiddie shopping carts shaped like animals,trains, race, cars or whatever! Parents do you really need to push your kids around the store in in a shopping cart bigger then the car you came to the store in!

   I JUST SAW MCDONALDS IS BRINGING BACK THIER "MCRIB" SANDWICH AGAIN. FROM WHAT I REMEMBER AFTER EATING ONE YEARS AGO, I THINK I'm GOING TO CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN. I WILL BUY IT AND THEN PUT IT DIRECTLY IN THE TOILET. I WILL SPARE MYSELF THE DISCOMFORT

   My life would make one really good Soap Opera, or at least four really bad country songs.

   Considering the number of paternity tests Maury Povich has on his show, I think he should change the shows name from " The Maury Povich show" to "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?".

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   Paris Hilton is working on a new CD. I believe this one is called, "And You Thought the First One Sucked".

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?

   The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter.

   “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests.” - Patrick Henry

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?

   I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.

   Mexican magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos…" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.