Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Talk about keeping up with the Kardashians, Bruce is growing breasts. . .

   German feminine hygiene products are called Hercrotchastinkin.

   Some girls are like blunts.... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   RE-INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE

   hroughout the shutdown if you need someone to ignore your basic needs while taking a sizable percentage of your earnings, I’m here for you.

   My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.

   Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula

   Just watch. My nickname for babies, "vag-turds", is really gonna catch fire in 2015.

   In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first

   I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

   I was born to be cool but global warming is slowly changing that.

   No thanks, bodybuilder chicks with clits that look like a baby's pen*s

   decided...husbands are a lot like jack o' lanterns!! Perfect once you cut their heads open and scoop out all the crap!! Happy Halloween :)

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in two days after purchasing Lucas Arts, Disney in a deal with Harpo Studios will hire Oprah to play the role of Jar Jar Binks in the new upcoming Star Wars 7 movie...

   I don't know why hospitals need to advertise. It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead...

   Ya gotta know the difference between berries and poop.

   Morals don't come from religion. If you can't decide right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion.

   Attention: Females take dumps too, they just do it more graciously. But it still stinks just as bad.

   Redneck word of the day - Asthma: I don't know if I can go or not. Lemme asthma wife

   An inuendo is an Italian suppository.