Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME

   Dead Joan Rivers jokes are so 1933.

   Pointing out that what you are doing is dumb and is making you look like an idiot is not judging you. It’s called caring.

   Last year it was the ice bucket challenge. This year it's the bucket of hot coals challenge. You go first. . .

   FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist

   Dear History Channel, The Mayans were wrong.. We are not dead.. Everybody is still here. Please adjust your morning programing accordingly..

   A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?

   Remember: some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.

   Just told my girlfriend to call me before she heads home so I will have time to get the beer, smoke and strippers out of here and she "thinks" I was joking.

   Aah, It's the weekend again. Time to gather the family around the computer or smart phone and read out my status updates for the week. Keep smiling my friends.

   I can't believe UPS stole the "What can brown do for you?" slogan from Ex-Lax. Ain't that some sh*t?

   You know why they call it golf? Cause all the other four letter words were taken!!

   Just poked about 20 people in about 20 sec's flat... Whew... Blows on finger....

   I had no idea Elton John married Matt Lauer?!

   just returned from Pakistan--does anyone know how to clean the dirt out from under your nails? no specific reason as to why.

   The awkward moment when a Liverpool fan asks what's the time and its 19:18.

   s a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   Can't wait till the movie "colombiana" comes out. She is the real definition of a Bad b!tch....

   when you run like a ninja to your charger when your phone is low battery