Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Single women wearing matching bra and panties; I am sure the inside of your clothes really appreciate it.

   Friends make the worst enemies

   I think Haley Joel Osment should guest star on The Walking Dead one episode..... "I see dead people"

   my doctor told me to stay off alcohol until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 98 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   And then He said, "Don't be feedin any more homeless people until you have LED screens with this week's sermon in front of all my churches"

   I am the type of person who hides 99 problems behind the happiest smile :)

   Let us all heed Vanilla Ice's advice on a day like this......"Word to your mother"

   My wife thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

   FYI all you taking those stupid FB quiz's... EVERYONE is getting Rockstar status.... so is it really your calling? No. Your calling is wasting time taking Facebook quiz's.

   Name your pet python Strangles cause its fun to to say "Oh that's just Strangles being Strangles" when he's strangling stuff

   People who are cheap and think hiring a professional is expensive should talk to people who chose to hire an amateur.

   selfies are so last year, this year it's othies

   Happy dry hump Wednesday for you singles out there. . .

   My ex is great with a pole.... I have the bruises to prove it

   Every time I read "Large Hadron Collider", I think it says "Large Hardon Collider", which sounds rather painful.

   You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

   Fighting fire with fire seems like a waste of time and resources. I'd use Justin Bieber.

   f you don't routinely use a Darth Vader voice to order at the drive-thru, odds are good we're not gonna be friends.

   Dating: Bang her like there's no tomorrow. Married: Bang her like she finally said, "Fine, do what you have to. Just hurry up"

   And for years I thought Pluto was a dog.