Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the N.F.L. cracked down on all the drug and alcohol abuse as well as spousal and child abuse watching football would remind me of golf.

   If you have no love to be thankful for, at least be thankful for all those bullets you dodged.

   My life's great I'm just missing that significant other

   The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight

   Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages

   they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"

   When I'm down to my last bit of weed, I like to take my time and savor the thought of who will be my first stabbing victim.

   Time Management training? I can't go to that. I'm too busy!

   I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....

   SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep

   When a girl says she cares more about what's inside a guy she means what's inside his wallet...

   that a bottle of Prozac in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?

   Fun Fact: Prostitution exists among some animals too. They prostitute themselves for things like stones or food.

   He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.

   "I'm turning over a new leaf" -Adam telling Eve that he's seeing another woman

   “How about a rope that's angry all the time” – GOD WHILE CREATING SNAKES

   Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20.

   I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you.

   Sure, we can bury the hatchet. How about in your head?

   I'm seriously going to become a marriage councelor and whenever couples come to me, my therapy would be making them both browse through a dating website for 30 minutes.