Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!

   waiting for you to log off so they can get back on chat and actually do something!

   Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

   just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Now he's slipping into a Snuggie and playing with his Mighty Putty.

   slowly undressing behind you!

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for 35 million. Now looks like the ideal time to sell my dusty old CD towers for 9 million dollars.

   been spending most my life living in a Gansta's Paradise...

   I get the feeling that the fat acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is about movement.

   To the lady who ready my palm at the county fair in the summer of '99. The one who told me I would be married, have two kids, and own a business when I got older. I wish my divorced $7.76/hr ass could talk to you again!!

   Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.

   In the eyes of most women, every man is born a Defendant.

   when I was younger my mum would always give me my food by saying "there's a train coming, there's a train coming" with the spoon. I always ate it as I was afaid if not she wouldnt untie me from the railway lines!

   I never feel as much panic as I do when the cashier asks me if I have their member card yet.

   You know what infuriates me? Trying to grab the end of masking tape with my half chewed fingernails, after it has reattached itself to it's body. You know what infuriates me even more? Watching someone else do it.

   I talk to myself because my teenager wont talk to me

   ‎'Valentines day is soo over hyped...'-Every single person...:P

   I wonder if Hugh Hefners new fiancé bought him a bag of prunes and a wheel chair for Valentine's day?

   This valentines day is going to suck(period)

   First she wears a dress made from raw meat and now she arrives at the Grammys in a giant egg. I can't watch any more. My cholesterol level keeps going up.

   Shaved my beard down to goatee. I look like an elderly gay Viennese psychiatrist circa 1910. Sweet! Just the look I wanted.