Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sister came back home crying over her boyfriend and asked me to console her...So I hit her over the head with the XBOX

   I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

   Russel Brand files for divorce from Katy Perry... I wonder if she kissed a girl and he didnt like it.

   So I'm home alone and heard a noise and got scared so I decided to get drunk. Then I made about 80 quesadillas SO NOW I'm trying to sell them and put Taco Bell out of business...Tell your friends!!

   Call of Duty.. Helping Guys like me who don't play the game get laid since 2003."

   Toasters as wedding gifts don't make sense. If you and the person you're marrying don't have a toaster maybe you're not ready to be married.

   Her: :-P Me: 8===D Her: :-O Me: 8====D~~~ Her: :-) Me: 8=D Me: ZZZZ

   John Wayne Toilet Tissue: It's Rough - It's Tough And It Don't Take Crap Off Anyone

   I thought you said Eric gave you the creeps? I like tacos

   Untill now I haven't felt this much pressure on a particular thing, so... "why this kolaveri di"?!!!

   I don't know why it's so hard for ugly people to get laid. Just get together with each other. Problem solved.

   I wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you yelled Team Jacob to my dog!"

   Christmas parties are really just birthday parties for Jesus that he's too cool to show up for

   available in HD.....highly demented!!!!!

   thinking men should come with carfax and a UPS label for an easy return.

   S.H.*.T.= So Happy It's Thursday! =)

   why is it called PMS? Cause mad cow was already taken.

   Nobody ever notices what you do at work but they sure as he!! notice when you don't do it.

   That little Justin Biber chick is really starting to piss me off! Why can't one of the Olsen Twins give her Herpes or something?

   I've never had sex with a ten but I'm wondering if two fives count.