Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dominos use to be made with saddness and disappointment with just a sprinkle of fry grease and hooker spit once, but now it's made with "real cheese" and failure.

   I set my daylight savings time back 13 years so I could party like it was 1999!

   You always hear about so and so getting robbed at gunpoint and this person or that was held up at gunpoint. My question? Where the Hell is Gunpoint and why does everyone keep going there?

   God is my co-pilot but the Devil is my bombardier.

   Hey fellas.... Do you buy your pants on sale? Cuz at my house they would be 100% off.....

   Every time you start thinking of your dog as human, they do something like eat poop. Then you think of them as German humans.

   please stop quoting the bible on your every other status, we all have our own copies.

   I bought some of that new emo lawn seed the other day... Yeah, It was a little more expensive,,, but the grass cuts itself.

   I look forward to the day when we glorify peace rather than war.

   This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   theres nothin worse then havin a wicked case of the squirts and realizing there isnt a roll of TP in sight..

   sometimes I wish my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make

   I have been invited to a premature ejaculation society annual dinner.I asked about the dress code and they said "Just come in your pants."

   cleaning out her medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time!!

   iDon't need an APP to make fart noises. There's an a$$ for that.

   was almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank goodness the Wal-Mart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!