Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hm, the light changed green but we're not moving. Sure hope an idiot didn't slip through the cracks somehow and obtain a license!

   Settling in for the night with a glass of orange juice and the Dukes of Hazzard.

   The day before the annual Gregorian calendar re-set. Here's where I get all sappy and tell my pals how much they rock. You guys are the best. Happy New Year!

   hopes everyone had a great night, got drunk and woke up wearing someone else's underpants. Happy 2012!

   I look forward to the day I get to complain to my grandkids about how when I was growing up we didn't have 3D porn.

   Maybe my microwave is leaking radiation, but I could swear Orville Redenbacher just asked me if I can keep a secret from my mommy and daddy.

   Going where the cool people are... Outside!!

   How cool would it be to be rich enough to own a falcon? I think there's a difference between being rich, and then there's owning a falcon rich....:)

   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

   Women cheat on men more often when they're ovulating. Men cheat on women more often when they're drunkulating.

   How come they always announce the reporters as reporting live from the scene? Has any of them reported dead from the scene before?

   I feel bad that Snooki's baby has gotten laid before I did.*forever a vin *

   Once these h$es realize 1+1= 2 and NOT 3 the world will be a better place.

   I carried a really cool hat to school that I rubbed on a licey homeless guy. The school bully just stole it..... :D

   tried to get a tattoo but it hurt, so I just got dots with numbers..You make the connection

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you! (The Confirmation Service, 1-800-I-CONFIRM)

   Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together", said Fabrice.

   I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   I had a great joke, but Ryan Leaf stole it......

   Sure, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission!....Oh Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.