Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I live by the ocean. The west coast, to be more Pacific.

   I hate liars, hypocrites, & people who take advantage of people who care about them

   Out of respect to my friends in Boston, I won't say how bad I hate the Pats and how I pray an earthquake will occur causing the side of the field they're on to open up, they all fall in, and then snaps back shut.

   I smoke cigarettes so that people will walk up to me and talk about death.

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser

   Hey uk at least we know how to put on a opening ceremony. Sincerely china

   Snooki has her baby, and Mike Tyson takes a crap.. Scientists are baffled by the amazing similiarities of both results..

   Alabama maybe 49th in unenployment and 4th in crime but we are #1 in college football. Go SEC.

   Thinking about starting a 80s themed oatmeal delivery company.I`m leaning towards naming it Haulin` Oats.

   Wade: I just got your email...it says I'm fired...oh don't worry about that...I get unlimited emails..

   LOCAL CHICKEN FARMER HIRING STAFF FOR XMAS, $ 19.50 HR. I told them about your experience handling c*ck, you start Monday......

   I've created a Facebook group called "Threesome" and invited two girls. Now just waiting and see what happens..

   Whats the definition of Necrophelia? Its that irresistable urge to crack open a cold one.

   I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water, all I have to do is defrost it!

   What's 7 inches long with a purple head and women love it? ... A twenty pound note!

   I am not childish!! Stop calling me that you big doo doo head.

   wear his wife's eyeglasses because she wants him to see things her way

   Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted and always ready to charge.

   if you replaced every time you read, wand, in a Harry Potter book, with the word Willy, the hilarity is immense.

   Trying to quit smoking. By the way.. Apologies go out to the mormon missionary eating the junior mint..I tried to tell you..I don't do mormon but menthol is my brand...I hope your recovery goes quickly.