Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that I have to take medication to stop myself from slapping people who need to take medication?

   The VMA's is the only day out of every year that MTV pretends to care about music.. Then its back to the pregnant teens, jersey people in italy, and sweet 16 birthday parties

   I'm still waiting for my chance to shout "UNHAND me you fools!!" as security escorts me off the premises.

   The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"

   I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.

   if you have ever bought clothes to match the color of your crocs you need to seriously rethink your life.

   From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it

   It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....

   I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...

   Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.

   There's nothing like celebrating America's independence by spending hundreds of dollars on Chinese fireworks.

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

   Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.

   When is Oreo going to start selling just the filling?

   RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.